Meditation - a personal journey

Shivoham

2007-10-07T08:53:00.001+10:00

Sachara chara para purna Shivoham, Shivoham
Nityananda swarupa Shivoham, Shivoham
Ananoham, Anandoham, Ananoham, Anandoham

Paramatman

2007-10-06T16:55:00.001+10:00

"Jeeva should know the secret that He is the Paramatman."

Bhagwan Nityananda, from The Chidakash Gita, verse 8

It will take you to the river...

2007-09-30T10:16:00.001+10:00

Q: I was told that the liberating action of satsang is automatic. Just like a river carries one to the estuary, so the subtle and silent influence of good people will take me to reality.

A: It will take you to the river, but the crossing is your own. Freedom cannot be gained nor kept without will-to-freedom. You must strive for liberation; the least you can do is uncover and remove the obstacles diligently. If you want peace you must strive for it. You will not get peace just by keeping quiet.

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, from I Am That

Swamiji read from I Am That at satsang last night. He said that while some believe no effort is needed to reach the ultimate goal of Self-realisation, he shared Nisargadatta's view. We need to strive for our goal. We need to reach out to find it. Swamiji said "Sit down and know that there is peace [and] bliss inside of you, and start uncovering it".

As he was talking, I noticed Janaki and her baby. The baby was reaching up, her little hand trying to connect with her mother. We need to be like this. We need to know that if we reach out, that Love is there and we can connect with it. But we must reach for it.

Brilliant light

2007-09-29T23:53:00.001+10:00

"The brilliance of the One Being's light does not vanish in external light or in darkness because all light and darkness resides in the supreme light of God Consciousness."

Abhinavagupta, from 15 Verses of Wisdom

Enquire more deeply

2007-09-22T21:12:00.001+10:00

"You identify yourself with the mind and that is the cause of the confusion. Enquire more deeply into the true nature of your individuality..."

Ramana Maharshi, from The Maharshi, Vol 13, No 3

I couldn't make it to Satsang tonight. I'm in Sydney for a conference. But I was able to watch it online. Swamiji read from "Death Must Die", the edited diary of a Western woman who came to be known as Atmananda. The quote above is a response to a question she asked Shri Ramana Maharshi in June 1943. I found the dialogue in an archive of the newsletter "The Maharshi".

In discussing this teaching, Swamiji said that whenever we are troubled by something, we need to take it into our heart. We need to hold it there, see what shape it is, sit with it and enquire into it until the wisdom that is within us helps us move on.

This is good advice - but of course! I've been struggling with an issue for a few months now, and as soon as I heard this, I knew it was exactly what I need to do.

The truth within us

2007-09-15T10:05:00.001+10:00

'Twas a fair orchard, full of trees and fruit
And vines and greenery. A sufi there
Sat with eyes closed, his head upon his knee,
Sunk deep in meditation mystical.
"Why?" asked another, "dost thou not behold
These signs of God the Merciful displayed
Around thee, which He bids us contemplate?"
"The signs", he answered, "I behold within;
Without is naught but symbols of the signs".

from A Rumi Anthology
translated by Reynold A Nicholson

When You whispered

2007-09-10T09:38:00.000+10:00

I was thinking
I'm really happy living here
When You whispered
"Living Here will take your breath away... "

Become absorbed in consciousness

2007-09-09T13:57:00.001+10:00

"Become absorbed in the thought of Consciousness, the thought of God, just as now you are absorbed in the thought of being a prisoner."

Swami Muktananda I Have Become Alive

This morning I noticed this book in my "to read" pile beside the bed. When I opened it, this was the first sentence I saw. It hit me immediately, and for the next hour or so I was centred and soaring...

We're all so caught up in our mundane dramas that we cannot see how easy it is to set ourselves free. It just takes a moment to focus.

It's all in the mind...

2007-09-08T23:06:00.000+10:00

"Mind decides what is heaven and what is hell. Hence, if this mind is mastered, everything is mastered".

Yoga Vashishta, Book III, Chapter 110

Tonight at Satsang, Swamiji read from the Yoga Vashishta. He describes it as a slightly psychedelic text that is quite hard in its instructions, evident in phrases such as "Make a firm resolve to kill the mind as it were, which is easily achieved without the least doubt." Nevertheless, much of it makes sense.

My friend Juanita came along to Satsang for the first time. She's been having a pretty tough time of things for a while now, and I was hoping she'd get a glimpse of hope from hearing Swamiji speak. She loved the chanting (Krishna Govinda Gopala was hot tonight!), and hopefully the Yoga Vashishta didn't scare her off!

Puja for injured friends

2007-09-06T22:48:00.000+10:00

Om
Tryambakam Yajamahe
Sugandhim Pushtivardhanam
Urvarukamiva Bandhanan
Mrityor Mukshiya Maamritat.

Mahamrityunjaya mantra

On Wednesday night we learned of friends injured in a car accident in Goa, and did this puja for them.

Om: Absolute reality. That which encompasses the three states of waking, dreaming, deep sleep, represented by AUM, the three levels of gross, subtle, causal, the three levels of conscious, unconscious, subconscious, and the three universal processes of coming, being, and going. Absolute silence beyond the three levels is the silence after AUM.

Tryambakam: Trya means three. Ambakam means eyes. It means the three eyes of the Absolute, which are the processes of creation, existence, and dissolution, as well as the other triads, which are part of AUM. The three "eyes" means experiencing these three stages and triads at one time, from the higher, all pervasive vantage point of the Absolute.

Yajamahe: We rejoice in meditation on all of this.

Sugandhim: Means fragrance. Like a spreading fragrance, all of this permeates the whole of existence, while at the same time being that existence

Pushtivardhanam: Means that which sustains and nourishes all. Thus, the fragrance that permeates all is the sustainer of all beings, while also the essence of all beings.

Urvarukamiva: Urva means big and powerful. Arukam means disease, like the spiritual diseases of ignorance and untruth, which are like the death of Wisdom or Truth.

Bandhanan: Means bound down, as in bound down to the ignorance and untruth.

Mrityor: Means ignorance and untruth.

Mukshiya: Means liberation from the cycles of physical, mental, and spiritual death.

Maamritat: Means please give me rejuvenating nectar, so as to have this liberation, like the process of severing the cucumber from the creeping vine.

I found this translation of the mantra online, along with an audio recitation and a YouTube version. See:

http://www.swamij.com/mahamrityunjaya.htm
http://www.swamij.com/Sounds/mahamrityunjaya-swami-nardanand.mp3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0f2Pn_n8ks

I saw Shiva dancing

2007-08-17T13:40:00.000+10:00

I saw Shiva dancing
In my room last night
Whirling round and round
Several feet above the ground

I saw Shiva dancing
In the candle light
Circling softly in the flame
Gently round, then round again

I see Shiva dancing
When I'm very still
Slowing turning, full of grace
In my deepest inner space

The heart of the matter

2007-07-08T14:50:00.000+10:00

"When asked who you are, you place your hand on the right side of the best and say 'I am'. There you involuntarily point out the Self. The Self is thus known. But the individual is miserable because he confounds the mind and the body with the Self. This confusion is due to wrong knowledge. Elimination of wrong knowledge is alone needed."

From Talks with Sri Ramana Maharshi

At satsang last night, Swamiji read from a question and answer session with Ramana Maharshi on November 19, 1935. I'm always amazed to hear these things - the same truths that Swamiji teaches us - from another time and place. It makes me wonder why the message is still so seldom heard. Why doesn't everyone know about meditation? We all know we need to eat if we want to stay alive. It seems just as obvious that we need to meditate.

With that moon language

2007-06-23T00:45:00.000+10:00

Admit something:

Everyone you see
You say to them
'Love me'.

Of course you do not do this out loud
Otherwise someone would call the cops.

Still, though, think about this
This great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one who lives
With a full moon in each eye that is
Always saying
With that sweet moon language
What every other eye in
This world is
Dying to hear?

From Love Poems From God
Hafiz, rendered by Daniel Ladinsky

Jaya jaya aarti Nityananda

2007-04-12T21:22:00.000+10:00

In the temple
The drum beats with Your heart

In the temple
The bell calls with Your voice

In the temple
The candles flicker as You breathe

In the temple
We sing as You sit before us
Jaya jaya aarti Nityananda

Ghata, ghate me

2007-02-11T17:19:00.000+11:00

"Lamps burn in every house, o blind one, and you cannot see them".

Kabir, from Songs of Kabir, translated by Rabindranath Tagore

I'm leaving this evening on a pilgrimage to Ganeshpuri, the home of the yoga of Sri Bhagawan Nityananda, his disciple Baba Muktandanda and my teacher, Swami Shankarananda.

We're going to be spending 12 days on retreat, soaking up the shakti (or spiritual energy) that the area is known for. There'll be 60 of us there from the Shiva Yoga ashram.

I've been asked to give a presentation on the mystic poet, Kabir, so have been reading some of his work. One important theme is found in the phrase "Ghata, ghata me" or "in every body", "in every vessel". In ghata, ghata me the promise is that true knowledge is close - closer than we realise. It is within us, yet many of us look everywhere else trying to find it.

If you like to read some of Kabir's work, the Songs of Kabir is available online, free.

The painting above is a Sikh painting depicting Kabir teaching his Hindu and Muslim disciples.

A new Satsang!

2006-05-25T20:28:00.000+10:00

"Feeling is the key to presentness. Feeling is the key to becoming centred. Feeling is a doorway to knowing the Self."

Swami Shankarananda, The Voice of the Self, p. 39.

We were treated to a special Satsang at Elsternwick last night with Swamiji. It was hopefully the first of many more to come.

Swamiji said he's decided to use these new satsangs as a vehicle to talk about Self-inquiry. This is great news, since I've been struggling to understand the value of the Self-inquiry groups that the ashram runs on Tuesday nights. It's not that I never see the value in them. But I often fail to see the connection between Self-inquiry and the development of my spiritual practice. I've been going to the groups whenever I'm able, but often out of a sense of duty more than desire.

Last night Swamiji talked about the role of Self-inquiry. He said it was the second wing of the yoga bird (the first being meditation). We need Self-inquiry because we spend most of our time living in the outer world - the realm of form and language. While meditation helps us get beyond the mind, beyond form and language, Self-inquiry uses the mind to help us investigate our current state.

Swamiji read from some of the writings of Maurice Nicholl, a follower of Ouspenky and Gurdjieff. Though I've heard little of Nicholl, I've always been impressed by his thinking. The passage Swamiji read was called "Two ways of meeting events". In summary, the two ways are these:

try to separate from their power by not identifying with them
try to "will them" - just go with them rather than fighting against them

We save energy if we do not identify with events. And a great amount of fear comes from hoping something won't happen. Nicholl says "come, let's go to it". Let's meet the fear. He also says "we have to will one another", we have to accept people just as they are. We have to stop investing energy in wishing people and things were different. We should just go with what is.

It was a great Satsang. It's always a privilege to spend time in Swamiji's presence, and in this smaller group there is a real sense of connection. Hearing Swamiji chanting and playing the drum was a moving experience. I felt connected to his early years in the ashram with Baba.

Discovering the power of the mantra

2006-03-27T13:12:00.000+11:00

"Since times immemorial a link was created between certain words and corresponding energies and reinforced by numberless repetitions. It is just like a road to walk on. It is an easy way - only faith is needed. You trust the road to take you to your destination."

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That, p. 72

I use the Hindu mantra "Om Namah Shivaya". But other than at times of great stress - like when sitting in the dentist's chair - I've struggled with it. Of course, it can replace the endless chatter in my mind. But it didn't feel uplifting, and I was often distracted by a need to translate it.

Today, after reading this passage from Nisargadatta, mantra repetition felt different. Repeating those words and knowing they've been repeated by millions of people for thousands of years, all with the same intent, suddenly made it feel special and powerful. I didn't need to do a 'transalation on the fly'. I felt connected.

Direct experience

2006-03-26T11:22:00.000+11:00

"Your book knowledge is useful to begin with, but soon it must be given up for direct experience, which by its very nature is inexpressible."

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That, p. 137

These past few years I've been struggling with "book knowledge". As the struggle became more intense, my lack of clarity grew. Nothing I read made any sense. Nothing anyone said made any sense. Even simple concepts became complex and dense.

With the guidance of my teacher, I had a breakthrough - a direct experience of Self. Suddenly, I had complete understanding of the things I'd been struggling with. And at the same time, I realised this knowledge and understanding was completely unimportant. The sweetest irony!

It was a beautiful coincidence that two nights later at Satsang, Swamiji read this passage from Nisargadatta. It also serves as a timely reminder to take care to focus on my meditation and not be distracted by books - especially now that the layers of meaning just leap out at me.

Consciousness is everything

2006-03-25T13:20:00.000+11:00

"We are limited. We experience only a small percentage of what is available to us."

Swami Shankarananda, Consciousness Is Everything, p. 16

Let me start by saying that I almost can't believe what I'm going to write about here. So first, some background.

My academic training is in philosophy. I studied in the Anglo-analytic tradition. As a result, I am a materialist. There is no ghost in the machine. The only stuff of the universe is physical stuff. Everything is reducible to matter.

I doubt I would ever have come to meditation of my own volition. It is couched in terms and practices too close to theism for my comfort.

However, my partner suffers from depression and to support him, I agreed to go along to a one-day "intensive" learn to meditate course at Glen Eira town hall about 5 years ago. He picked this course because it had been recommended by the comic, Garry McDonald. It was run by Swami Shankarananda and attended by a host of people dressed in Indian garb and sounding very much like crystal gazers to me. However, everything Swamiji said made perfect sense. We live in two worlds - the inner world of our minds, and the outer world we can all see. The state of our inner world largely determines our experiences in the outer world. When we're up the world is great, and when we're down it's bad. Our education systems prepare us for life in the outer world, but we need meditation or 'second education' to help us deal with life in our inner world.

To cut a long story short, I was so convinced of the logic of this that I immediately started a daily meditation practice. Things changed remarkably in my outer world. I was able to handle difficult situations at work. My personal relationships improved. My partner and I interacted with less tension and disagreement. The proof was in the pudding.

But then life intervened. I got the flu and spent almost two weeks in bed. I lost my meditation routine. I've spent the past five years trying to claw my way back. I've had a few ups, but mainly downs, and no sustained progress.

At the beginning of this year I decided to make a more concerted effort. Things got worse. Nothing made any sense any more. Simple things that I once thought I understood now seemed impenetrable. What is "the Self"? If I'm having a bad meditation (the only kind I ever really had), how is that OK? How do I "sit with it"? How does inquiry about my emotions progress my spiritual path? What does all this mean? Will I ever get "right understanding" of any of this?

On Thursday night I finally had a breakthrough. It was the third week of my third time at taking Swamiji's learn to meditate "level 2" course. In the last part of the evening Swamiji gave instructions for the final meditation. We were going to try to "hold the Self". The Self. That slippery concept that kept demanding that I make a leap of faith. If I don't know what it is and I can't believe in it, how can I hold it?

But then he said something I hadn't heard before. He said talk of "the Self" tends to reify it. To overcome this, he said that Ma Devi uses this approach in teaching meditation: think of the Self as "a region in your awareness".

Instantly I remembered a feeling I'd had on the flight back from Canberra earlier that day. I read a piece in the newspaper by John Armstrong (a philosopher at the University of Melbourne) about the concepts of civilisation and being civilised. It was such a pleasure to read and I felt that old love that I'd had for philosophy come back again. The article was uplifting because Armstrong's deep understanding and acceptance of the human condition was apparent.
I was able to direct my attention to that feeling. But when I tried to "hold" it, it slipped away.

I heard Swamiji telling us to "relax into it", not to struggle with it. So I directed my attention there again, silently repeating the word "relax". Gradually, an intense awareness flowed over me. It soon felt like the whole universe was in the marquee. I could feel everything. It was clear and vivid. I could hear and feel the people around me breathing. I felt connected to everything. So this was what Swamiji calls "expanded awareness"! Awesome!

I know this sounds ridiculous. If I hadn't experienced it, I wouldn't have believed that it was possible, except through the use of mind-altering substances. If I've gone mad, them I'm happy to stay mad. Mad is good!

All those things that were troubling me, that I couldn't understand or accept, in that meditation experience I understood them in an instant. I've never believed that everything is consciousness, but suddenly consciousness was everything.

When the meditation finished, the feeling remained. It lasted a couple of hours.

Now I feel full of hope again. I don't know when I'll have another experience like that, but it doesn't matter. I'll have the meditation I'm having. Thank you Swamiji.

Right understanding and struggling against "maya"

2006-03-08T22:42:00.000+11:00

"It could be said that concealment and grace belong to the inner world and relate to the condition of our soul. Concealment is the state of being afflicted by maya. Grace is oneness and salvation."

Swami Shankarananda, Consciousness Is Everything, p. 141

Everything has been a struggle lately. I haven't been able to meditate, and on the rare occasion that I have, I've been unable to stop my mind racing all over the place. Swamiji says that when we're having a bad meditation, we just need to accept it, sit with it. "It's OK to have the meditation you're having". But I don't even know what that means anymore. Almost everything that once made sense about meditation, now doesn't.

I've been going to a Shiva Process group on Tuesdays. I decided I had to go because I have to work through this muddle in my inner world. The groups do the Self-inquiry practice using an approach that resembles group therapy. While there have been some interesting moments, I keep struggling to see the relevance of it to my own spiritual development.

At last night's group I spoke about this: it is a real struggle to come each week, I am always looking for excuses not to, yet somehow I manage to turn up. Someone commented that it was "the Self" that was getting me there.

But I don't know what this "Self" is. I feel like it is something I have to believe in, to have faith in. I can't do that. Maryann said she thought that it wasn't faith that I needed, but right understanding. She's a wise person and what she said seemed right.

But in the meantime, everything seems concealed by maya.

The year of acts of greatness

2006-01-16T11:36:00.000+11:00

"This is the year of acts of greatness... moving big blocks in your life."

Swami Shankarananda, January 15, 2006

Yesterday I went to the summer intensive at the Shiva Yoga ashram. It was the culmination of a week-long retreat whose theme was 'great beings'. It must have been a great week, because it led to a day full of energy and inspiration.

The program was the usual for an intensive. We started with the Jyota chant (I love chanting, and this is one of my favourites), and after a welcome message and another chant (Om Namah Shivaya), Swamiji spoke. This, and the question and answer time in the afternoon, is always the best part of the day. Some of the things I remember most were:

Ordinary people see things as either good or bad. Warriors see everything as a challenge, as grist for the mill. We need to be warriors.
We have to chew life (there was some mention of a quote from John Updike along the lines of 'the world is the eucharist and it must be chewed'). Great beings have chewed well.
Be real in your own inner space.
The human dilemma is that we have a design flaw - our job is to overcome it (through meditation).
Everything comes at the right time. Spiritual revelations have been available to you in the past, but you weren't ready.

But the main message that spoke to me was his statement that this is the year of acts of greatness, a year when we can move big blocks from our lives.

I have just quit my job and decided to go out freelancing. For some time my job had felt like a noose around my neck - a constant source of aggravation and dissatisfaction. But it was a security blanket of sorts, so it feels like an act of greatness (whether of courage or stupidity is yet to be revealed) to have finally made the decision.

So last week was my first week flying solo. It was a dreadful week filled with self-doubt and depression, working long hours and feeling like I was achieving nothing. Clearly, the act of greatness will be in seeing this through.

But thanks to the intensive, and Swamiji's message, I feel that I can and must move this block - though identifying exactly what it is will no doubt be the hardest part.

A gap in my own logic

2005-12-05T22:20:00.000+11:00

I know meditation is the only way forward for me. I know I want to be live a life that is more conscious and present. I want to make better decisions, live with more integrity, and be a better person, friend and colleague.

Yet here I am talking about meditation, reading about meditation, and recommending meditation to others - but I'm not meditating.

Vipassana a way forward?

2005-09-16T22:58:00.000+10:00

Over the past month or two I've regularly been listening to MP3 files I downloaded from the Audio Dharma site. It's been a lifeline, and for a time has helped me maintain some sort of meditation practice.

The Vipassana tradition appeals to me on an intellectual level since it is not theistic. I don't have to believe in things like "the Self". Its goals are practical rather than fantastic. It's not about seeing blue pearls or having out of body experiences, but about understanding the way our minds work. The more we understand, the more we can learn to control our mind. And we can learn to be present, making more conscious choices about what we think, say and do.

While I've had some real benefits from using the Self Inquiry method of the Shiva Yoga tradition, I keep coming up against the underlying theism, or dualism. Having studied philosophy in the Anglo-analytic tradition, I'm a pretty solid materialist and skeptic.

As things unfold...

2005-07-21T18:06:00.000+10:00

As the level of recent activity here might indicate, I've had a couple of months where I've found it hard to maintain any sort of meditation practice.

At first I became distracted by the intellectual aspects of learning to meditate. I let my focus change from learning about meditation through practice to reading about it.

Then I was disturbed by some things I read in Play of Consciousness - Swami Muktananda's spiritual autobiography, and highly recommended reading according to Swamiji. The first few chapters sounded like an exhortation to guru worship, and so started to sound rather cult-like. While I could accept that what I'm really railing against here is a part of Indian culture, I had real trouble with the middle section of the book.

It talks of various phenomena that occur during the process of enlightenment or Self-realisation - red auras, white flames, black lights, the blue pearl and other things that were trotted out as though there was some linear and immutable order to it. It made the skeptic in me bristle.

I was, and remain confused about why this book was so highly recommended. I'm still plodding my way through it, reading the odd page here and there, hoping it will lead to something worthwhile in the end.

Of course I've allowed this to become another obstacle to my meditation practice.

Thankfully, I found an unexpected source of inspiration: a podcasting service called Zencast. I downloaded a few files and started listening while driving into work. They were really uplifting. I did a search on the names of the speakers involved in them and discovered Audio Dharma, with several hundred audio files of teaching and meditation classes held at the Insight Meditation Center. I've been listening to them each day, and for the past few days have been motivated enough to take time out at lunchtime to meditate.

Both Zencast and Audio Dharma are Buddhist in orientation, as their respective names suggest. My only contact with Buddhism or Buddhist meditation to date has been through the Tara Institute. They have a beautiful meditation hall, and I was encouraged by being able to meditate with a large group of people, but I found the practice a little austere and difficult to penetrate. Listening to Gil Fronsdal's talks on Zencast and Audio Dharma are starting to change that.

Repeating the mantra

2005-05-21T07:40:00.000+10:00

"The mantra should be repeated by coordinating it lovingly with the incoming and outgoing breaths... Sing it with love, meditate on it affectionately, and Shakti will do her work with the speed of lightning".

Swami Muktananda, Play of Consciousness, p. 38.

In my recent Self-inquiry approaches to meditation, I've been struggling with what feels like a void. It is there when I turn inwards to examine my inner state. I can't identify what is going on inside. It just seems like empty space.

And the void is also there in the space between the breaths. At Satsang recently, I asked Swamiji what I could do about this. His advice was just to repeat the mantra, and return to Self-inquiry once each week to see if things had changed.

I've often had problems with mantra repetition too. I'm conscious of thinking about and trying to remember what "Om Namah Shivaya" means, and that becomes both an effort and a distraction. Reading the passage (quoted above) in Swami Muktananda's Play of Consciousness has helped relieve this to a degree.

Focusing on the mantra has since given me some insight about the void - I think it represents the separation or distance I feel from any 'spiritual' aspect of myself. Even the word 'spiritual' makes me uncomfortable.

The Shiva Process

2005-05-13T13:43:00.000+10:00

"The Self you think you are is not the Self you really are."

Arunachala Ramana

The Shiva Process is a form of Self-inquiry, a type of meditation whose the goal is to identify one's inner state of 'health' and work to improve it.

The Shiva Process was developed by Swami Shankarananda who runs the Shiva School of Yoga and Meditation at Mt. Eliza. My notes on the two versions I outline here were taken during a learn to meditate course taught by Swami Shankarananda (great course, by the way - I highly recommend it).

The first is a chakra meditation, while the second involves a visualisation. 'Chakra' is a Sanskrit word meaning wheel, or vortex. Chakras are not physical, but are energy centres that comprise our consciousness or energy system. Proponents claim there are seven chakras, but this meditation focuses on four: the navel (about 2 inches below the physical navel), the heart (in the chest area), the throat and the third eye (between the brows). While I'm not sure I believe that chakras are real, they are a useful way of focusing attention on different parts of the body where tension from pent up emotion may be held.

Both meditations refer to 'A statements' and 'B statements', so I'll describe these first.

An A statement is a statement of what you are feeling now. When you're happy, say you're happy. When you're sad, say you're sad. But remember, only the feeling is real. The intellect will offer you the 'official story', but this story isn't real. For example, when you're depressed only 'I am depressed' is true. 'I am useless', 'Nobody loves me' and all the other things that the intellect can generate when we're feeling depressed are false.

B statements are beneficial statements, or at least potentially beneficial. We have to try to find one that is beneficial for our present feeling. For example 'I am happy', 'I am calm' may be B statements for you, depending on the feelings you are trying to shift. The important thing to remember when using B statements is that we need to look for things that give us an upward shift.

As for any type of meditation, try to find a quiet space where you can sit undisturbed for 15 minutes or more. Sit in a comfortable position on the floor or in a chair. You may want to wrap a shawl around your shoulders, particularly if you are going to sit for more than 15 minutes.

Once you have finished the self-inquiry meditation, move on to your usual meditation method: watching the breath, mantra repetition, etc.

Option 1: Chakra meditation

Step 1
One by one, check the feeling in the navel, then the heart, then the throat and finally the third eye chakras. Look for any tension, contraction or energy. Return to the chakra that had the strongest feeling.

Step 2
Determine the emotion that you are feeling.

Step 3
Make an A statement about this feeling.
For example: 'I feel angry', 'I feel jealous', 'I feel scared'.

Step 4
What area of life is this about?

Step 5
What specific issue is this about?

Step 6
Take some time to resolve on a course of action. Here it is important to call on your intuition. Let the Self guide you. You will intuitively know if the course of action you are considering is the right one.

a) Is there something you can do about this in the outer world?

Speak up?
Present a plan?
Keep quiet?

b) Is there something you can do about it in the inner world?

Change your attitude?
Forgive?
Surrender?

c) Should you leave the situation?

Step 7
Now make a B statement.
For example: 'I am calm', 'I am content', 'I am the Self', 'My true nature is bliss'. Look for an upward shift in feeling or energy. Experiment with B statements until you find that upward shift.

Option 2: Visualisation meditation

Step 1
Close your eyes and imagine you are standing in a hallway. There are four closed doors along the hallway.

Walk to the first door, and put your hand on the handle. This is the door to your working life or career. Keep your hand on the door and open it slightly, looking inside. What do you feel inside this room? Is there tension or energy? Is the feeling good or bad? Is it intense or weak? Take a few seconds to check how you feel about the contents of this room.

Now walk to the second door. Again, put your hand on the handle. This is the door to your family and personal life. Keep your hand on the door and open it slightly, looking inside. What do you feel inside this room? Is there tension or energy? Is the feeling good or bad? Is it intense or weak? Take a few seconds to check how you feel about the contents of this room.

Now walk to the third door. Put your hand on the handle. This is the door to your health and body. Keep your hand on the door and open it slightly, looking inside. What do you feel inside this room? Is there tension or energy? Is the feeling good or bad? Is it intense or weak? Take a few seconds to check how you feel about the contents of this room.

An optional step for more advanced meditators: Walk to the fourth door. Put your hand on the handle. This is the door to your spiritual life. Keep your hand on the door and open it slightly, looking inside. What do you feel inside this room? Is there tension or energy? Is the feeling good or bad? Is it intense or weak? Take a few seconds to check how you feel about the contents of this room.

After checking in each room (remembering that the fourth room is optional), go back to the room that gave you the strongest feeling. Open the door again, and again feel the feeling inside this room. Is there tension or energy? Is the feeling good or bad? Is it intense or weak? Take a little while to check how you feel about the contents of this room.

Step 2
Determine the emotion that you are feeling.

Step 3
Make an A statement about this feeling.
For example: 'I feel angry', 'I feel jealous', 'I feel scared'.

Step 4
What specific issue is this about?

Step 5
Take some time to resolve on a course of action. Here it is important to call on your intuition. Let the Self guide you. You will intuitively know if the course of action you are considering is the right one.

a) Is there something you can do about this in the outer world?

Speak up?
Present a plan?
Keep quiet?

b) Is there something you can do about it in the inner world?

Change your attitude?
Forgive?
Surrender?

c) Should you leave the situation?

Step 6
Now make a B statement.
For example: 'I am calm', 'I am content', 'I am the Self', 'My true nature is bliss'. Look for an upward shift in feeling or energy. Experiment with B statements until you find that upward shift.

The true Self within us

2005-05-12T21:08:00.000+10:00

There is a true Self within all of us. That true Self is full of peace, full of joy, full of love and wisdom.

Swami Shankarananda, The Voice of the Self, p. 2

My meditation this week has not been very fruitful. It's been hard to stay awake, so I thought I'd meditate after my morning walk, when I might be more alert. But it's also been hard to get in touch with how I feel.

Yesterday I decided to switch to meditation in the evening. I certainly had a better result, but today I felt like I was missing something because I didn't meditate in the morning. Perhaps I'll try a shorter session each morning, and a longer one in the evenings.

I'm still not sure what this 'true Self' is, but the promise of peace, joy, love and wisdom keeps me going.

Highs and lows

2005-05-04T07:41:00.000+10:00

Learn not to fear your own feelings

Swami Shankarananda, The Voice of the Self, p. 33

After having a useful insight yesterday morning, I slumped into a downer for the rest of the day. I've noticed this tendency to feel depressed after I've had some sort of breakthrough in meditation.

I feel like a spiritual bi-polar!

Living without anger

2005-05-03T08:03:00.000+10:00

Do not accept things on face value. Have the courage to get rid of the false.

Swami Shankarandana, The Voice of the Self, p. 22.

While walking this morning, I felt an intense feeling of anger remembering a recent conversation. It built up until it felt like really bad heartburn. My reaction was self-justification. I had every right to be angry. It wasn't fair that someone should speak to me like I was an idiot. It was belittling and made me feel stupid. I'd asked a simple question to which a simple answer could have been given.

After wallowing in self-pity it occurred to me that I visit this cycle of emotion frequently. These are, of course, not the sort of feelings I want to have. Just acknowledging this, the pain dispersed and was replaced by a feeling of intense warmth.

When I got home I thought it worth contemplating this in meditation. The tension showed up in my navel area, rather than my heart where I expected to find it. I've found that a lot of the tension I carry is in this area. Making an A-statement "I am angry" was easy and obvious (on other days, not so). The B-statement came just as readily: "I am calm, full of peace". And it worked - I got an instant upward shift.

As I contemplated this, it seemed clear that I can act in my inner world by remembering what I am capable of: calm, peace, love. And I can act in the outer world by being alert to rising anger, taking the time to pause, take a few breaths and consider an appropriate course of action, rather than spiralling down through anger into self-justification and self-pity.

As if to reinforce this, I saw a report on a coroner's case on the TV news. An old man whose wife died because of medical incompetence had responded by saying "there's no point in being angry". He had every right to feel angry, but had the wisdom power to realise that it would serve no purpose.

The subject of meditation

2005-05-02T07:41:00.000+10:00

"There are so many things inside the human body... There are so many chakras just in the head, so many different springs welling with nectar, so many clusters of nerve filaments, so many kinds of musical harmonies, so many different fragrances; there are rays from so many different suns, abodes of so many different deities.

The inner world is far greater than the outer world.

Swami Muktananda, Play Of Consciousness, p. 7.

With these words Swami Muktananda describes what is supposed to be accessible to us through meditation on the Self. Even if it is plausible--and I'm not entirely sure of this--it seems impossible.

At Satsang on Saturday, Swamiji spoke about our tendency to think that meditation has some object, and reminded us that there is no object in meditation, only the subject. I'm struggling to think of meditation in these terms.

My first satsang

2005-05-01T20:30:00.000+10:00

Last night was my first Satsang at the ashram. It was wonderful. There was so much positive energy in the room (erm, tent; the ashram is in sore need of a meditation hall, and currently uses a large tent erected behind the main house).

I loved the chanting, and the music was fantastic with visiting musicians Girish on tabla (my favourite instrument) and Dennis on sitar. Girish's tabla playing was sensational - the whole tent was pulsating! When they played during meditation at the end of the night, Dennis' sitar was divine.

Swamiji's talk focused mainly on his spiritual "grand guru", Nityananda (Swami Muktananda's guru). He said Nityananda was a great Vedantan, very detached from the world, and as a result had no coherent teaching. He read from some of the few teachings Nityananda gave, embellishing them with his own.

Some of the themes included:

Everything is the play of words
Atman (Self) is never the object, because it is always the subject
In meditation we must notice the subject, merge in the subject, be anchored in the subject
Meditate on the ocean of eternal delight
Breath is closely related to the mind
Connect the mind to the breath; do this with bhakta (devotion)
Khumbaka is the space between the breaths
Karma is created because we push for things or push away things; instead we need to flow
There are 360 degrees full of ways too look at something, but we always pick the most miserable slice. We then intensify this misery by talking to our friends about the way we see things. Instead, we need to pick a better slice.

Seeds of separation

2005-04-28T23:07:00.000+10:00

In the sentence "I am That" we can already see the seeds of separation.

Swami Shankarananda, Consciousness Is Everything, p. 108.

I was looking forward to getting back to our Shiva Process group after a two week break. Tonight we read from Chapter 8 of Swamiji's Consciousness Is Everything and did some contemplations on "I am That" which led into an interesting discussion on metaphysics, comparing materialism with Shaivism.

As it turns out, Shaivism is not a dualist approach as I had thought before. To Shaivites the only thing that exists is consciousness. The only substance in the universe is consciousness.

In the reading, the concept of "maya" was discussed. I was interested in this because it uses the device of the "veil of ignorance" to explain the effects of maya. However, I kept getting distracted by because this is a concept used in political philosophy and made famous in the work of John Rawls, a key American philosopher whose work I read while studying philosophy.

Personal lessons

I had an insight tonight about how deep the sense of separation is between me and "That", the Self, or perhaps the idea of universal consciousness. I felt it as a sharp chest pain, but I guess it also came out in our discussion of metaphysical positions: I still feel as though I'm firmly in the materialist camp.

Using energy wisely

2005-04-25T13:22:00.000+10:00

"It's not that we lack energy: we waste energy. The negative habits of our mind and the weakness of our emotions deplete us."

Swami Shankarananda, The Voice of the Self, p. 55

I've never lacked energy, but I've wasted a lot on bad feelings.

Now I'm starting to recognise when I'm allowing my energy to be diverted to negative emotions - but there's often a lag between experiencing the negative emotion and recognising it.

Through meditation--in particular the Shiva Process approach--I've been able to dissolve negative feelings effectively. I've some been amazed at results in the outer world too.

The Shiva Process has been a lifeline to me in times of great stress. Having had great success with it, it is comforting to know that it is a technique I can always reach for when the going gets tough.

The effects of our thoughts

2005-04-23T13:19:00.000+10:00

"Our thoughts either contract our awareness or expand our awareness."

Swami Shankarananda, The Voice of the Self, p. 58

From bitter experience, I know about contraction. I'm an expert and have been for years. There are times when nothing else exists than the thing that is frustrating or making me angry.

However, since my earliest experiences of meditation, I know that contractions can be dissolved. I know that meditation can lead to an uplifting, expanded view of the both the outer and inner worlds.

Awareness: the goal of meditation

2005-04-20T20:32:00.000+10:00

"Until you get into that state where the syllables merge, keep repeating the mantra. But know that the true goal of the mantra is that awareness."

Swami Muktananda, I Am That, p. 40

I think it will be quite some time before the syllables (a reference to "ham" and "sa" in the hamsa or breath meditation) merge for me.

Although I'm struggling with it, watching the movement of the breath has its own beneficial effect. While I can stay focused on it, it silences all the "talk" in my head.

Meditation intensive

2005-04-17T19:42:00.000+10:00

I went to a full day "intensive" at the ashram today. It was the culmination of a week-long retreat (that I didn't attend). The format for the intensive was apparently developed by Swami Muktananda. Now Swamiji carries on in the same tradition.

Format for the intensive

Chant (Jyota - this is my favourite chant!)
Welcome address (Ma Devi)
Chant (Om Namah Shivaya)
Teaching (see summary below)
Shaktipat
Lunch break
Personal story (Maryanne)
Fast chant (Om Namah Shivaya)
Questions and answers
Meditation
Darshan (blessing)

Jyota se Jyota Jagavo (May the light of the Self kindle my heart)

Jyota se jyota jagavo
Sadaguru jyota se jyota jagavo

Refrain:
Mera antara timira mitavo
Sadaguru jyota se jyota jagavo

Translation: May the light of the highest Self light my own inner light and may any darkness that covers my heart be removed.

Verse 1
He jogeshvara he jnaneshvara (x2)
He sarveshvara he parameshvara (x2)
Nija krpa barasavo
Sadaguru jyota se jyota jagavo

Translation: May all the knowledge and wisdom of the paths of yoga be bestowed upon me. May divine grace bless me and all others.

Verse 2
Hama balaka tere dvara pe aye (x2)
Mangala darasa dikhavo
Sadaguru jyota se jyota jagavo

Translation: May I always remember and take refuge in the Self which constantly reveals inner divinity.

Verse 3
Shisha jhukaya kare teri arati (x2)
Prema sudha barasavo
Sadaguru jyota se jyota jagavo

Translation: May we always revere the teachings that set us free and which allow the nectar of compassion to flow.

Verse 4
Antara me yuga yuga se soi (x2)
Chiti shakti ko jagavo
Sadaguru jyota se jyota jagavo (x2)

Translation: The divine spiritual energy chiti has been sleeping within us for ages. May our inner shakti be awakened.

Verse 5
Sachi jyota jage hrdaya me (x2)
So'ham nada jagavo
Sadaguru jyota se jyota jagavo

Translation: The flame of the Self is alive in our hearts. May we awaken to the music of the mantra So'ham, "I am that".

Verse 6
Jivava muktananda avinashi (x2)
Charanana sharana lagavo
Sadaguru jyota se jyota jagavo

Swamiji's teachings

The themes Swamiji discussed today were familiar:

We either make ourselves miserable or strong. The amount of effort required for either is the same.
The basic difference between an ordinary person and a yogi is that the yogi takes everything as a challenge. The ordinary person takes everything as a curse or a blessing. We go up and down with events: "that's good", "that's bad", whereas for the yogi it's all grist for the mill.
"Trika" is universal consciousness. It is pure and contains everything. It is God, Shiva. "Jiva" is a contraction of consciousness. It is us. Jiva is really Shiva but we don't know it.
Everything we know, we know via consciousness, our awareness. All things exist only as known, so identify yourself with consciousness.
Awareness determines our quality of life. When it is contracted, our quality of life is diminished. When it is expanded, our quality of life is good.
We need to live at the junction of what is manifest and what is hidden; in the space between the breaths, between thoughts. How will we know if we are there? We'll feel an energy.
There is nothing that is not Shiva. Baba said the Self vibrates in all the senses, according to their nature. The Self acts through the senses and animates the mind.
The purpose of sadhana is to train the Self to vibrate in the senses in positive ways. Because we are so passionate and our emotions and desires are so strong, we need to be dogged in our pursuit of the truth of our natural condition, the Self.

Contemplation:
It is the Self that sees through the eyes, thinks through the mind, hears with the ears. (Where does that contemplation take you?)

Experiment:
Turn inside and minutely observe the first moment and what the feeling of that is like - before the mind comes in. (Where is it and what does it feel like?)

Shaktipat

Shaktipat or "the touch" is an initiation ritual which is said to awaken the kundalini energy inside us. I must admit to being highly skeptical about this. I see it more as a symbolic gesture. I've received it twice before, with no obvious effect.

However, for whatever reason (power of suggestion maybe, or because I was feeling quite emotional), today I did feel something when receiving shaktipat. There was a real energy rush, and I felt hot all over. Later, during "darshan" (blessing), Swamiji said I was "very present" today. I certainly felt very present!

Maryanne's talk

After lunch Maryanne told the story of her spiritual journey to date. Her presentation, quite emotional in parts, was very uplifting and she gave some sage advice:

Listen to the feedback from the universe.
See the Self in everyone and see that they all have a role.
Learn to appreciate contentment. Jealousy is its opposite.

Q & A

After Maryanne's presentation we did a fast chant of "Om Namah Shivaya" and then Swamiji answered people's questions. Some of the issues covered included:

Everyone in the world is looking for grace, but a yogi does it intelligently, through meditation. Grace is peace, harmony. It is our birthright because it is our nature.
Never "internally consider". Internal consideration is worrying about what others think about you. On the other hand, always "externally consider". External consideration is about speaking to where the other person is at.
In Self-inquiry we must examine the tension. Sit with it, be calm. Be a scientist - look at it and ask questions. Trust your intuition, your deep nature to guide you.

"Darshan" (the guru's blessing) brought the end to a very uplifting day.

Personal lessons

Apart from being surprised by the experience of shaktipat, the thing that spoke to me most during the day was the teaching on external consideration. While I'm also struggling with a billion other things, I'm very aware of my inability to externally consider. It's a key concern for me, something I really want to improve on. I often realise--too late--that I've done or said something and effectively stomped on someone. In each case I could have avoided it by being more present, and externally considering.

The nature of the Self

2005-04-14T21:17:00.000+10:00

"The truth is that the inner Self of every human being is supremely great and supremely lovable."

Swami Muktandanda, I Am That, p. 5

Ever since reading political philosophy, I've been of the view--contra Rousseau and other influential theorists of his ilk--that human nature is basically good. So I've had little difficulty accepting this teaching - at face value, anyway.

The space between breaths

2005-04-12T14:03:00.000+10:00

"There is no need for you to regulate your breathing. Just let it come in and go out naturally. There is no need for you to try to suspend your breath. You just have to become aware of the space that already exists between the breaths."

Swami Muktananda, I Am That, p. 39

The second I think about just breathing naturally, I realise I have already started trying to regulate my breathing. And if I think about the space between breaths, I find myself deliberately extending it - and then my breathing becomes even less natural.

The space where no thoughts exist

2005-04-11T13:34:00.000+10:00

"When the breath comes in with the sound ham and merges inside, there is a fraction of a moment that is completely still and free of thought... This is where you have to focus in meditation. To focus on that space is the highest meditation and the highest knowledge."

Swami Muktananda, I Am That, p. 1

Just trying to focus on this moment seems to bring thoughts into it. It feels black and empty and I can't believe that's what it is meant to feel like.

I guess that's why it's the highest meditation - it takes a lot of practise to get there.

Maybe I'll never get there?

Why meditate?

2005-04-09T17:06:00.000+10:00

The most powerful way to change your outer world is to work in your inner world.

Swami Shankarananda, The Voice of the Self, p. 60

Sometimes this feels like cheating.

It's like we've been given access to a secret, something we're not supposed to know about. Like we have the key to a secret chamber.

Yet it's there for anyone to know and act on.

Of course, the acting on part is the hardest!

First Shiva Process group

2005-04-07T23:31:00.000+10:00

You must not think it wrong to self-justify just because the Work says so. It is not wrong in a moral sense, but of no use in work on oneself, just as it is no use mixing bread with concrete.

Maurice Nicholl

I was quite apprehensive about going to the Shiva Process group. I wasn't sure what it would be, or how it would work.

I needn't have worried. It was fabulous. There was a really good dynamic within the group, which is reading its way through one of Swamiji's books Consciousness Is Everything.

The group meets Thursday nights at Mary and Stuart's house. It is is led by long-time meditator, Maryanne. She's been studying under Swamiji's guidance for 11 years.

Tonight saw a detour to read some of Maurice Nicholl's writing, "Psychological commentary", a commentary on Gurdjieff's work.

I thought the group would focus on meditation of some sort, but instead it reads a given text and discusses salient points as required. At various points there may be short contemplations. The evening ends with a 10-15 minute meditation. It feels as much like a reading or study group as it does like a meditation group.

Personal lessons

Tonight we talked about self-justification and I could literally taste it. I had an awful silver tarnish taste in my mouth.

In some ways it's a relief to be aware of my tendency to self-justify, because now I can work on pulling myself up when I feel it happening.

I also felt good to be able to acknowledge my discomfort about the word "spiritual". No one made a big deal about it. It's obviously only a big deal to me :-)

Breathe in wisdom and light

2005-04-04T22:14:00.000+10:00

After procrastinating for way too long, I went to a meditation class at the Tara Institute. They run introductory sessions on Monday nights, with long-term students running classes in monthly cycles.

The Institute is beautiful, particularly the meditation room. There's an enormous golden Buddha statue flanked by beautiful silk wall hangings of green and white Tara. And right across the wall that is at your back as you meditate, is a huge stained glass window.

It was a good meditation space. There's a positive energy in having a hundred or so people sitting quietly in a room, focused on the same purpose.

Tonight's class was on breath meditation. The teacher suggested we imagine ourselves to be breathing in wisdom and light, and breathing out all the bad things that distract us from being wise and light. It felt pretty good trying to concentrate on this.

Finding the Self in the world

2005-04-03T22:21:00.000+10:00

"Because the Self exists equally in everything and in everyone, because it is in all objects and in all beings, because it is constantly illuminating itself, it should be very easy for us to find it in our daily lives, in the midst of our world."

Swami Muktananda, I Am That, p. 8

The guys at work have been teasing me about getting involved with a "cult". They're only kidding, of course.

But I have done the cult thing before. I'm not at all interested in doing it again. Having had that earlier experience, I appreciate that Shiva yoga is not about withdrawing from the world. Instead it teaches us how deal with the stresses of living it in, through meditation.

The energised and depleted views

2005-03-31T23:22:00.000+10:00

"The Self is at the centre of everything."

Swami Shankarananda

This is a summary of the final session of "Learn to Meditate, level 2"

In meditation we need to move towards the Self, however we have conceived of it. Self-inquiry is a focusing device, using questions to get to the core of things. Cleverly-crafted questions lead to the answers.

Human awareness is the thing we seek, but we don't know it. We think we're looking for love, wealth, happiness, but awareness is the highest good.

Everyone knows the Self. The thing you call "I" that you think is a person is really Lord Shiva. This is called the "doctrine of recognition". It is part of second education. It is esoteric psychology. In psychology they look at neuroses and so forth, but we go deeper. We use meditation, contemplation and inquiry.

The completely obvious fact of the inner world is often overlooked in favour of the outer world.

The essence of the Shaivite view is that there are two possibilities in this world. There is the energised view, where we see abundance, buoyancy and faith. And there is the depleted view, full of lack and entropy. The view we take determines the kind of life we have.

Spanda = energy, vibration. We need to be alert to the Spanda principle, to look for energy and life, for the Self and Shiva in every situation. When we are in the depleted state, we can't even remember what energy was.

When we find ourselves in a depleted state, we need to ask "is there a better view, an energised view of this situation?" We're free to choose this point of view for no other reason than that it is uplifting.

Be aware of losing energy in situations and relationships with others. Look for ways to avoid "leaking" energy. Look for the energised view.

Contemplation: seek a clear mind and a clean heart.

We believe there are strong laws in the outer world, so it should only make sense that they exist in the inner world too. If we can become aware of the laws of the inner world--the law of the relationship between thought and emotion, for instance--we can make our lives better. Knowing these laws is our second education.

Personal lessons

My strongest motivation to meditate comes from a desire to be a better person (argh - it sounds so cheesey when you say it this way). So the contemplation we did tonight was wonderful. Not only do I feel the need to clear all the crap out of my head, but I need to clean out my heart too. That's the key.

The idea of the two viewpoints was interesting too. It's so easy to just see the bad side of things and not look for a more positive perspective. It's a been a life's work for me (seeing the bad stuff) and high time I set about changing it.

Asking the right questions

2005-03-24T22:28:00.000+11:00

This is a summary of the third session in "Learn to Meditate, level 2".

Reviewing what we'd covered in the past two session, Swamiji reminded us that A-statements locate us in present reality. We need to remember that the first thing to do when we find ourselves in a stressful situation is to make an A-statement. Sometime this alone can have a positive effect.

Any situation we find ourselves in cannot be objectively one thing. We can hold it in our minds in different ways. So much depends on attitude. Misery is only unwanted thoughts. It doesn't have a shape. When we build wisdom power, we can destroy these sorts of thoughts. Meditation helps us build wisdom power.

Recapping on the three forces, Swamiji said that the blocks we experience in meditation are always second force. Self-inquiry leads us to find the third force.

Examine each of the four main chakras (navel, heart, throat, third eye). Make an A-statement about your present feeling. Then ask yourself what this feeling is about. Next, find a B-statement that generates an upward shift. Use your inner understanding or intuition to guide you. If you can't find a way to shift it, be with it. As you sit with it, it gradually loosens. It may take a long time, and it may resurface later. Or you might just accept it, or let it go. Some people are attached to their suffering. It can be a discipline to decide to shift off it or let it go, rather than wanting to go deeper and deeper.

Someone asked "What's a good A-statement?" Swamiji answered "When you know inwardly that it's accurate".

Proxying is making A-statements--not judgements--on behalf of someone else. We can use proxying to help others or to help us when we are affected by encounters with others.

In proxying, an A-statement is of the form "I'm X and I feel Y".

We can proxy institutions or buildings as well as other indivisuals. Proxying can bring some magical results.

Self-inquiry is asking questions of the Self. There is a long tradition of Self-inquiry. Buddha practised a form of this, an inquiry into reality. Shankaracharya asked "What is life about?" In Swamiji's tradition, the question is "What's going on here?" We turn within and see what's happening, what our present experience is in the inner world. This is against a background of the Self always being there. We should expect to feel perfect harmony and joy. If not (usually not), we need to ask what's blocking it. We need to ask questions of the Self.

All fields of study are inquiry. Science asks "what going on here in the outer world?".

So, it's one easy step from this culture of inquiry in the outer world, to developing a culture of inquiry about the inner world. It makes sense to use the same method in the inner world. We could call it "inner science".

Questions are wonderful because they focus awareness. It is amazing how our minds can focus on one object when there are billions of objects in the universe. Awareness that is focused is very powerful. Scientists will tell you that the key is to find good questions. In meditation, it's the same. The key is to find good questions.

"Why is everyone always picking on me?" is not a good question, but one we ask all the time. "Why does every bad thing happen to me?" and questions like that lead us in a spiral downwards, full of tearing thoughts.

We need to ask practical questions that get us on the road to something positive. We don't need to know the causes, just what's going on now and how to move on from this. The key to a lot of our suffering is that we ask a lot of bad questions.

Human awareness is the philosopher's stone. It's the greatest thing in the universe, the "universal solvent", the greatest power. Think about it. Some of the world's most intractable problems are solved when collective human awareness is focused on them. For instance, look at the AIDS problem We so much awareness focused on it, we're well on the way to a cure.

If all we do in meditation is focus awareness inwardly, this is great. Awareness has a great healing power. You will heal yourself and others by focusing your awareness.

Guided meditation: We were asked to look for an area of life where there's a block. There are three ways you can deal with this problem. You can do something to change the outer world. You can do something to change the inner world. Or you can leave the situation. Ask questions about each of these ways of dealing with the block. Look for an action you can do. You must always act on these things.

Contemplation: Hold the Self (where is the Self? Your best guess with present information is enough. The source of the Self is within.) Notice what takes you away. When you become aware of no longer holding the Self, go back and hold it again. When you become tired and you can do no more of this, repeat your mantra.

Personal lessons

Tonight's contemplation was difficult at first, but beautiful when I was able to hold my focus. When first moving towards the Self I had a visualisation of a long spiral-shaped cocoon. It had a great warmth to it, but initially I couldn't penetrate it. With focus, eventually I was able to move inside. I got the sense of beautiful woman lying on a padded golden couch, but when I became too focused on the detail I lost the hazy vision. Focusing again, I became aware of a deep violet, star-studded sky. It was a little surreal. It's amazing what the mind can conjure when you focus it.

So maybe the Self is beautiful, peaceful, magical?

Three forces

2005-03-17T22:31:00.000+11:00

"A man will renounce any pleasures you like but he will not give up his suffering."

GI Gurdjieff

Tonight was the second of four sessions in "Learn to Meditate, level 2".

In recapping from last week Swamiji said that with accurate A-statements (statements that express our feelings right now) and the right B-statements to produce an upward shift in our inner world, we can conquer the world.

The first principle we need to remember is that the Self is always there. In principle, we can always access the Self. As we continue meditating, we develop a centre of gravity so we become more aware of our true Self, the same "I" rather than the many "I"s, the permanent "I".

He said it is interesting how human beings are constructed with this inner voice that only shuts up when we go to sleep or faint or lose consciousness. We need to become "Masters of Matrika" so that it no longer controls us.

An "upward shift" is a technical term for expansion, positive or happy feelings. There is an ongoing drama of expansion and contraction in our inner world.

He moved on to talk about Gurdjieff's concept of the "three forces" which he thinks probably comes from Hindu philosophy's "three gunas". The first force is the active force, the creative impulse. It is our desire to do something. The second force is the passive force, a block that is put between us and our desire. It may be doubts or some difficulty that must be overcome. The third force is the resolving force. This helps us find a way through. There is never a situation where we wish for something and it just happens. Thought never equals reality, there is always some block between us and what we want.

To access the third or resolving force, we need wisdom power. Great gurus like the Buddha can access third force under all conditions.

Second force lives inside us as a tension (a tension we can locate in our bodies) that we can learn to resolve with wisdom power. Swamiji says that he believes all second force is within us (probably because of his metaphysical position, that consciousness is everything, but he didn't elaborate). It's how we meet or deal with second force that is important. Attitude is the key.

If you do not know that you've created your own experience, you're at the mercy of a great power. The knowledge that we create our own reality is quite scarey, but it is also quite liberating. When we meditate, we grab this power and start working with it.

You can't always have the meditation you want, but you can have the meditation you're having - acknowledging this moves you from second force to third force. Understanding is a third force.

An A-statement is a statement of what you are feeling now. When you're happy, say you're happy. When you're sad, say you're sad. But remember, only the feeling is real. The intellect will offer you the "official story", but this story isn't real. For instance, when you're depressed only "I am depressed" is true. "I am useless", "Nobody loves me" and all the other things that depression can generate are false.

"I am depressed" is an A-statement. The other statements are tearing thoughts, and they are false. The feeling underneath is what is real. Pay no attention to tearing thoughts. Concentrate on the feeling, and then you can work with it.

Guided meditation: Swamiji asked us to close our eyes and visualise a hallway with three doors. The doors open into rooms that represent our career/work life, our family and relationships, and our health and body. Open each door, one and a time. What feeling do you get when you open each door? Go to the door with the most 2nd force. Make an A statement. Where do you feel this? Now look for an issue causing this tension. Then look for another, and then another. Settle on the one that causes the most tension. Now call on the Self to help you find a B statement. Hold these feelings within you and look for an upward shift, a third force that will help you resolve the second force. It may be an action you can do, or you might need to leave something alone.

Personal lessons

In tonight's visualisation meditation I realised just how much anger I have about my work situation in general, and a few issues in particular. Anger and frustration are frequent feelings I have about work, and so it was good that I was able to inquire into one key work issue tonight.

I saw myself as a cartoon character, with a big head full of steam and big boots stomping up dust. Seen this way, all the anger seemed so silly, and my protestations ineffectual.

I had an insight about how insignificant the issue that I'm concerned about really is. Yes, it has been something I've been working on for a couple of years, but so what? In the larger scheme of things, it doesn't matter at all.

I visualised putting this issue on a boat and pushing it out to sea. That made some of the anger give way, but even more shifted when I looked again more closely and discovered that my boat was a little matchstick raft, so tiny and unimportant.

Starting again

2005-03-10T22:25:00.000+11:00

"All that we are is the result of our thoughts".

Buddha

Tonight was the first session in a four-week meditation course, taught by Swami Shankaranda at the Shiva Ashram in Mt Eliza. This is the second time I've done this course, and my third attempt at establishing a meditation practice.

Tonight's session focused on the concepts "mind culture" and "wisdom power". Mind culture is about how what goes on in our heads creates reality for us. For instance, we think the world is crap when we've had a bad day, and great when we've had a good one. In every moment our minds are giving a commentary on what is happening in our life.

We can learn to control our inner talk so we can learn to be in touch with our true inner nature, the Self. The Self is the place of love, consciousness, luminosity. It is within us. It is not a mystery to us.

The awareness that we have is a miracle. This awareness is the Self, our own consciousness. The goal of meditation is to know the Self. Knowing the Self leads to the removal of all suffering, and the attainment of everlasting bliss.

The Self is always there. It can be accessed under any condition - at least in theory. We need the wisdom power to do it. It is not easy under certain conditions. When we're not in touch with it, we haven't found the means to access the Self in all conditions.

Gurdjieff says we have a number of "I"s: happy "I", sad "I", miserable "I" and so on. Different "I"s have different values, attitudes, beliefs. Different "I"s live in different parts of our life. There's our "I" at work, the "I" that deals with our parents, the "I" that deals with our children. Nityananda says that all these "I"s are not who we are. The Self is the real "I".

Through meditation we need to build a centre of gravity, steady wisdom. We need to build this through habit, so we become very familiar with it.

Exercise: several times each week focus on the "I" and note where you feel it. Try to move with the feeling and beyond words.

Self talk or "matrika" is the source of limited knowledge. The way our inner language works limits what we know. So, how we work with our inner language is important. Our tendency to have and believe our "tearing thoughts" (negative self talk) is the most destructive element of mind culture.

We need to learn how to uplift our inner language--and our language with others. We also have to learn how to deal with how others speak to us. This is the science of matrika.

We can use B-statements to uplift our inner language. B-statements are 'beneficial' statements - or at least potentially beneficial. We have to find the one that works. Swamiji says there are two kinds of B-statements - ordinary ones, like the sort your grandma would use to make you feel good: "you're a lovely person", "I love you", that kind of thing. And then there are "G-statements", god or guru statements, versions of B-statements that are from scripture or from gurus: "I am Shiva" or "my true nature is bliss". When using B-statements we need to look for things that give us an upward shift.

We live in our minds so we need to furnish them well. We must learn to fill our minds which positive language and thought.

Wisdom power is the idea that while we can intellectualise about negative thoughts and how they bring us down, meditation gives us the power to bring this stuff down from the realms of the intellectual into the the real world. The power to harness the wisdom.

All meditators have their own inner struggle. We need to keep at it, keep practising, and over time we'll learn better methods. We've all got into really bad patterns and it will take some time to break these.

There were two short meditation sessions. The first focused on trying to acknowledge or reach the Self within us, by saying "I", or "I am" and watching for the effect that had (good or bad), and the location (chakra) where we felt that effect. The second session focused on finding a "B statement" that would work for us.

In the following week, Swamiji asked us to meditate for 30 minutes a day, starting with an I statement ("I" or "I am"), identifying the feeling and location of the feeling that it produced, and then bringing in the B-statement stuff (just like an affirmation, like psychologists use), and experimenting to find the right B-statement that would produce an "upward shift" - a positive, uplifting feeling.

Personal lessons

I feel strongly that this view that we live in two worlds is correct. It is self-evident that we create our own reality in our inner world.

The lesson for me tonight was about how to develop wisdom power. I intellectually know that learning to work with my thoughts and feelings will give me a better life and make me a better person, but I don't have much wisdom power at all.

I wasn't looking for anything when I first encountered meditation. It wasn't my idea to go to the first class I attended. I would never have gotten into it of my own volition. And I didn't want a guru. I'd been there, done that in the 70s.

But I realised tonight that I need help to develop wisdom power. I need a teacher, someone to inspire and guide me along the path. Otherwise, it's too easy to lose focus and motivation, to fall back on old habits. To be filled with self doubt. To give up.

Fortunately, by the time I realised I needed a meditation guru, I'd already found one :-)